she liked Imaginary Men best of all


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A girl walks into a bar…

Today I discovered the feature on Facebook that lets you look at an archive of your old posts and status updates. I randomly selected April 2012 and scanned through to see that I sure posted a lot about food, Downton Abbey and Ewan McGregor!

I also found a status I posted on a day I clearly remember for a very important reason:

I have been so useless today. I’m supposed to go out now even though I’d rather go to bed, I’m so exhausted by my uselessness ;-p

That Saturday is still very vivid in my mind: I wasted a lot of time doing nothing at my apartment. Then I went grocery shopping and in the parking lot I ordered out and picked up my dinner on my way home (I was too lazy to cook what I just bought!) then I got comfy on my couch eating take-out and catching up on my DVR. I was due to go see my friend’s band at 10PM and that’s probably near when I posted this.

I really did NOT want to go but I was a single girl with no good excuse to bail on seeing friends on a Saturday night. The gig was about 5 minutes from my house and I could be home in two hours tops.

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And that’s what happened – despite being cranky and texting on my phone a cute guy bravely walked up to me to say hi and introduced himself and like that – my life changed forever. I would have missed out on meeting The World’s Best Boyfriend and nearly a year’s worth of discovering what it really means to meet that one person who is your perfect fit because I thought getting out of comfy pants and away from Revenge was too much effort.

Earlier that same month I posted a quote from The World’s Ultimate TV Boyfriend, Mr. Pacey Witter:

You want to know something Miss Josephine Potter? I think the world just may surprise you yet. I mean you fall in love, and it doesn’t work out, you think it will never happen, but it does, believe me it does, in the strangest of places.

So what’s my lesson here? 1. Always Listen to Pacey!! and 2. Get off your ass and make things happen. Sweet, handsome, loving, supportive-of-your-Boy-Band-obsession-bring-you-cookies-and-make-you-dinner-guys don’t just knock on your door and ask if you’re available!! You have to do the work and put in the time and sometimes whether it’s a project, job, goal or a boy – really lovely things happen.

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He’s real and he’s spectacular!

So the last few years I’ve had all this trouble with Stupid Real Life Boys. And of course I have a lot of Imaginary Boyfriends. But something funny happened recently – I got myself a Real Live Not At All Douchey and in Fact Totally Amazing Real Life Boyfriend!! I KNOW!! RIGHT?!??

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Just how amazing is he? Well he walked into my 16 Year Old Girl Bedroom home office which contains (among other things): an enormous Brandon Flowers poster, Backstreet Boys nesting dolls, Vampire Diaries paraphenalia, and a Wall of Men 3.0 – and instead of turning on his heels and running he exclaimed with utter enthusiasm:

This is awesome!

Did you hear that? It was my heart having joyful palpitations 😉

And he doesn’t bat an eye at my crazy shenanigans of chasing bands and obsessing on TV shows! He even offered to see Magic Mike with me! AND he said with absolutely no prompting whatsoever – that if a Backstreet Boys museum existed “I would go with you.” Did you get that part? How I didn’t even ask that?!? (and for the record – why doesn’t that exist goddamnit?!? I already have a date for it!)

I feel like anytime I talk about him I turn into a total gushing girlie. He’s a bit of a fanboy himself about movies and directors – breathlessly calling the night he got to meet one of his directing idols, “the best night of my life” which I took as one of the signs we were on the same wavelength about the stuff we love. He’s so great and he’s CUTE! Let me just say that his celebrity doppelganger is someone we like to call Jake Gyllenhaal:

Laugh it up Jake – you’ve been replaced!

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A friend of mine said, “you’ve obsessed so much on imaginary men that it’s almost like you dreamed him up!” And if it weren’t for the fact that she and other people have also seen/heard/observed that he is indeed a real guy and not one in my head – it makes this exchange from last week all the sweeter:

Setting: Save a Prayer by Duran Duran is on TV

Me: That’s my husband John Taylor

Him: Hi John Taylor!

Me: I mean, you don’t have to worry because I’ve been waiting for him to marry me since I was 13 – but if he WERE to show up – I would have to leave you

Him: OK. You should tweet him and tell him he’s your husband

Me: DON’T THINK I HAVEN’T TRIED!!!!

Even better – one found me that thinks I’m perfect the way I am – in all my Crazy Fangirl Glory and really, what more can one ask for?


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Girls I want to hang out with: Mindy Kaling edition

I recently read Mindy Kaling’s book, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (and other concerns). Mindy is a writer on The Office and plays celebrity/boy/fashion obsessed Kelly Kapoor on the show. She’s an amusing writer and a bit like Tina Fey’s little sister that you could actually-hang-out-with-while-you-mooned-around-their-house-wishing-cool-big-sis-Tina-would-notice-you-and-think-you’re-cool-enough-to-talk-to.

Mindy tells amusing stories about her childhood and her entry into Hollywood. I admit I’m envious of her pretty damn cool sounding life and career. Sure she has to go do photoshoots where bitchy stylists try to size her out of the posh clothes – but she also gets to go on Conan O’Brien! I feel like I could have had a career similar to hers had I stayed in Los Angeles after college — and had even an ounce of ambition 😉

But what made Mindy so relatable for me was the unifying topic of most women: Men. The dumb stuff they do and the stupid crap we put up with. She has a chapter that should be required reading for single guys everywhere entitled, “Guys Need to Do Almost Nothing to be Great” and includes a handy tips for men like, “Buy a well-fitting peacoat” and “Have one great cologne that’s not from the drugstore.” YES FELLAS PLEASE DO THESE THINGS!

In a chapter called “Non-Traumatic Things That Have Made Me Cry” she recounts a situation I totally TOTALLY recognize – that of meeting a nice, cute guy, having a great date and good enough chemistry to schedule a second date – which he cancels by text as she’s getting ready for the date – then, you guessed it ladies – disappears! See??!?! This kind of Annoying Boy Shit happens to famous girls too!

She also has nailed the difference between “Men and Boys” in a chapter of the same name. I won’t recap it here – go read the book – but I absolutely did a fist pump as I read it. So I really think Mindy and I would get along and have fun bitching about boys and gossiping about celebrities. She’s even written a “Best Friend Rights and Responsibilities” charter and – you know me – I’m all about my girlfriends.

You can follow Mindy on Twitter here (OMG she has Edward Gorey for her wallpaper and I’m A is for Amy Who Fell Down the Stairs!! Call me Mindy!), or hear more of her #MindyWisdom at the hashtag I created. She blogs too! (Mindy be my blog buddy!) And of course, The Office is on NBC Thursday nights.

 


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More Tales of Douchedom

Remember when I posted that I was seeing someone? And remember when I ranted about how single men these days are pussies who disappear on you?

You do the math 😦

This one really sucked because it was going so well I was actually allowing myself to tell people I had a boyfriend because I stopped being paranoid he was going to randomly flip a switch and decide to dump me. Which he did. Right before my birthday. Did I mention that? Oh yeah he dumped me RIGHT BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY.

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So here’s what I can’t adjust to in this new-fangled dating world: back in the old days you dated a guy and (at least in my case) it lasted awhile so you’d have mementos of your time together: gifts, photos, notes.

Now it’s all social network-y and about texting and nothing lasts very long. So not only do you not get a chance to accumulate some of the shared mementos of the relationship – but there’s nearly no evidence it ever even existed.

Of course when you first break up with someone you don’t want that stuff around because it’s too painful. But as you heal and get farther away from the heartbreak, there is something nice about reviewing those old tokens. They remind you more of the “good times” and less of the bad ones. They help you remember who you were with that person and why – maybe – you are a better person for it. Or even to recall why you liked them so much and be grateful that you got to share some of your life with them (or maybe they are a total dick and you see the stuff and set fire to it – happy to never have to think about the asshole again!)

But today it seems like relationships are often built through texts that get deleted when you break up, the online “unfriending/unfollowing” process commences, the photos on the phones get put in the virtual trash can. The person can literally be erased from your life. It’s very sad – at least for women it is – in my experience the guys are ALL about the safe anonymity of the text and are fine with just vanishing from your life.

And the disappearing is what just floors me. I’ve had so many disappearing acts that I could run a circus! (Circus of Douches! Come one! Come all!) They may think it is less hurtful or more likely – it spares them from facing the fact that they are being a complete asshole. And if you’re like me and you like “closure” then it really fucking sucks that they never give you that – and that’s how I end up having dreams with these losers in them because of all the unfinished business lurking in my subconscious!

So if you’re a woman: WTF are we supposed to do with these babies? And if you’re a guy, man the fuck up already.

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Bachelor Fridge

So I’ve started seeing someone recently, yes – a REAL BOY who is neither in a band or famous or on a TV show or even a vampire! I KNOW! I was surprised too.

Anyway, at his apartment I did a check of his fridge to confirm my theory about every bachelor fridge I have ever seen – that it always contains these two items:

Beer

And

Mustard

Now there may be other things in there as well: ketchup, bottled water, leftover pizza, leftover-something-his-mother-brought-over-because-she’s-worried-he-hasn’t-met-a-nice-girl-yet – even sometimes healthy stuff like yogurt or a vegetable!

So go ahead, find a bachelor (and NOT one that has a girlfriend who comes over and leaves food that she actually wants to eat and beverages she actually wants to drink) and open up his fridge. There will always be beer and mustard. I’m pretty sure it is some kind of Bachelor Boy Code 😉