she liked Imaginary Men best of all


Leave a comment

Sad, sad, SADNESS

I’m sad today – just like so many millions of people around the world are. My gut reaction to hearing about Robin Williams death on Monday took me by surprise. When I told my boyfriend only minutes after finding out, I burst into unexpected tears. I did not know the man but I felt a sharp and painful loss instantly as if I had just lost a family friend.

That his death was not an accident or a sudden illness made it that much harder to comprehend. How can a person who spent nearly his entire life making people happy struggle so hard to find happiness within himself? I don’t make any claims on knowing or understanding depression or addiction like he suffered from. I can’t envision a feeling so dark and overwhelming that it obliterates any reason and makes you choose the worst possible option on the table. But it makes me so very sad that someone who made us all so very happy felt exactly that hopeless on Monday morning.

I was born in the 70’s and am a child of the 80’s. Mork from Ork made me chortle and giggle from 6-10 years old. So really – can you blame me for feeling like I lost an old friend? I literally grew up with Robin Williams. Just like the 80’s born children of the 90’s embrace him as Mrs. Doubtfire and the Genie in Aladdin. He’s part of so many childhoods – so many teenhoods spent with tears running down our faces as we laughed ourselves sick at his stand-up (even if some of the sex and drugs jokes went over our heads.) He was brilliant and insane and when he showed up on a talk show or entered the scene in one of his (comedy) movies, you’d always whisper an “Oh no!” not of negativity but of breathless anticipation of what sort of lunacy was about to be unleashed from his marvelous brain and agile body.

While I can’t quote him off the top of my head, I can say with certainty that some of the first times in my life I ever laughed myself into a tear-faced, possible wet-pantsed, air-gasping, stomach-aching, body-shuddering laughter was because of Robin Williams. We have all lost so much. He has lost his battle with such darkness in his soul, his family has lost a father and husband, his friends – his fans – his charities – the film industry – we all lost this week. We lost BIG. 

To people who think, “Why would anyone get upset about the death of a celebrity they didn’t even know?” I point you to Twitter where people are standing on their desks in an #OhCaptainMyCaptain salute, or to my beautiful friend Sarah’s ferocious rant to depression, or Chris Gethard’s essay on his own encounter with Williams, or to Boston where locals are scrawling a memorial on his Good Will Hunting bench. We didn’t have to know Robin Williams personally to mourn his terrible death when we grew up with him, he made us laugh, he cheered us up, he wore his heart on his sleeve for us all to see.

Like I said – I’m taken aback by my own grief at this senseless, stupid loss. I am so heartsick for a man who gave us so much joy and couldn’t find it in his own heart for himself. And I’m pissed that we will never again get to look forward to whatever new, ridiculous, hilarious Robin Williams Moments we might have gotten.

Rest in peace.


7 Comments

Magic Mike: A Girl’s Guide

This movie is made for women. Period. Ok and gay guys. But it is not made for straight guys at all and YET what do we see the first five minutes of the movie? BOOBS! On behalf of the straight female population I ask Mr. Steven Soderbergh and all the obviously male movie execs behind Magic Mike:

WHAT IN THE FUCK??

Of course some boyfriends and husbands were gonna get dragged to see “the male stripper movie” and you don’t want them to be bored and embarrassed so sure, throw in some boobs to hook them in right away. But you know what? I go see lots of movies aimed at male audiences and never once see a shirtless guy thrown in to appease the female audience members. Or they are shirtless but for 5 damn seconds!! Or even worse – we are promised shirtlessness in the trailers and then DENIED for 2 hours of our lives we can’t have back!!

And don’t tell me that it needs to immediately be established that Magic Mike is a straight dude into threesomes with chicks. We know Mike is totally hetero because:

  1. He knows to wear proper work boots to a construction site
  2. He drives a big ass pick-up truck that screams “I put my penis in girls”
  3. The ease with which Mike and all the other Cock Rocking Kings of Tampa stand around half-naked with each other gossiping backstage demonstrates how perfectly fine they are with their manliness

OK rant over because it is hard to stay annoyed when the “Channing Tatum Charm School” is in session. Damn is that guy charming! He looks like one of those underwear models you’d see in old catalogs (probably not entirely SFW) and his moves are pretty bad ass.

Source

But the entire movie is practically stolen by Matthew McConaughey who for my money was born to play sleazy strip club owner Dallas. I mean – he should get an Oscar just for his no-holds-barred striptease (definitely not SFW!) near the end of the movie which is completely, fearlessly ridiculous. You go with your drawling, black leather chaps wearing, better-body-at-42-than-guys-half-your-age self boy!!

I appreciated that the male dancers seem to know that us ladies like a little storytelling with our bump and grind. So men are satisfied with a woman dressed like a schoolgirl writhing on a pole. BORING! The stripper boys understand we need a little plot with our objectifying of their abs and asses. Give us some Tarzan saving Jane or a young cowpoke out on the range for the first time (speaking of that cowpoke, it’s English pretty boy Alex Pettyfer):

Source

Personally I was a big fan of “The Army Dance” because the entire military drill + sexy white tank tops + Boy Band-esque ripping off of tank tops = Hot Sexy Fun!

I mean, they are literally using their penises as weapons on a room full of women who have paid to objectify them! How can you not love that?!?

In the parking lot after the movie my girlfriend and I ran into a male friend who was there to see Ted. Yup. That says it all right there about the difference between us girls and them boys!


3 Comments

Let him entertain me!!

I finally watched my DVR’d Royal Jubilee shows and was cautiously hopeful that ABC would actually let me see “Mayor of Britain” Robbie Williams who opened the show with a lively version of his classic “Let Me Entertain You.” But because ABC is American Broadcasting Corporation and America does not GET HOW BRILLIANT ROBBIE WILLIAMS IS, instead I had to curse my way through f’ing will.i.am who, BTW is not even English!!

So thank you to my darling Candy Soulmate Felicity (who IS English, so there will.i.am!) who found me a lovely clip of Robbie’s performance that had everything you could hope for in an English concert: a Royal Guards drum corps, regal fanfare, bouncing Londoners along the Mall, a string section, a sea of  Union Jacks and an English superstar in a monogrammed “uniform” giving a quick crotch grab in front of two future Kings of England:

When he came on I’m not even kidding when I say I fist pumped! “Hell! YEAH! Robbie!” So listen up ABC – when this man asks to entertain you – YOU LET HIM.


2 Comments

I am a fighter

If someone has hurt you, pissed you off, frustrated you or even if it’s that shitty little voice in your head that brings you down – I suggest you listen to this song LOUDLY and REPEATEDLY until you’ve shouted that fucker down using these lyrics:

Makes me that much stronger / Makes me work a little bit harder / Makes me that much wiser / So thanks for making me a fighter / Made me learn a little bit faster  / Made my skin a little bit thicker  / Makes me that much smarter / So thanks for making me a fighter

Throw in some punches and not only is it cathartic, but it’s good exercise too! I’ve used this song many times to help me get over toxic people in my life and trust me, it works and your life is better for ridding yourself of them.

But in the end you’ll see YOU WON’T STOP ME

Hell yeah! (get the song here and start cleaning house!)

 


3 Comments

More Tales of Douchedom

Remember when I posted that I was seeing someone? And remember when I ranted about how single men these days are pussies who disappear on you?

You do the math 😦

This one really sucked because it was going so well I was actually allowing myself to tell people I had a boyfriend because I stopped being paranoid he was going to randomly flip a switch and decide to dump me. Which he did. Right before my birthday. Did I mention that? Oh yeah he dumped me RIGHT BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY.

Source

So here’s what I can’t adjust to in this new-fangled dating world: back in the old days you dated a guy and (at least in my case) it lasted awhile so you’d have mementos of your time together: gifts, photos, notes.

Now it’s all social network-y and about texting and nothing lasts very long. So not only do you not get a chance to accumulate some of the shared mementos of the relationship – but there’s nearly no evidence it ever even existed.

Of course when you first break up with someone you don’t want that stuff around because it’s too painful. But as you heal and get farther away from the heartbreak, there is something nice about reviewing those old tokens. They remind you more of the “good times” and less of the bad ones. They help you remember who you were with that person and why – maybe – you are a better person for it. Or even to recall why you liked them so much and be grateful that you got to share some of your life with them (or maybe they are a total dick and you see the stuff and set fire to it – happy to never have to think about the asshole again!)

But today it seems like relationships are often built through texts that get deleted when you break up, the online “unfriending/unfollowing” process commences, the photos on the phones get put in the virtual trash can. The person can literally be erased from your life. It’s very sad – at least for women it is – in my experience the guys are ALL about the safe anonymity of the text and are fine with just vanishing from your life.

And the disappearing is what just floors me. I’ve had so many disappearing acts that I could run a circus! (Circus of Douches! Come one! Come all!) They may think it is less hurtful or more likely – it spares them from facing the fact that they are being a complete asshole. And if you’re like me and you like “closure” then it really fucking sucks that they never give you that – and that’s how I end up having dreams with these losers in them because of all the unfinished business lurking in my subconscious!

So if you’re a woman: WTF are we supposed to do with these babies? And if you’re a guy, man the fuck up already.

Source


6 Comments

A New Breed of Pussy

I’ve been dating. Yes, Real! Actual! Boys! And you know what? They keep reminding me exactly why I spend so much time and energy on famous boys instead!!

So I’m divorced nearly two years and therefore haven’t dated since 2001. Before that I didn’t date as much as I’d meet someone, start a long-term relationship with them that I would mourn for about two years after it ended. I’ve never really done the casual dating thing before so I don’t know if this is a new thing or I was just always lucky before but…

What the fuck with the disappearing acts? Not answering texts? Saying you’re gonna call/text/meet then – you know – NOT and not only that but totally disappearing like some sort of crappy assed magic trick?

Source

This has happened repeatedly this year and it boggles my mind every. single. time. From 25 (Ok, you’re a kid – you’re clueless) to 30 (Welllll…kinda toeing the line there guy) to 38 (really? REALLY?) When the going gets tough, the tough turn into pussies (and by “tough” I mean asking one to give me at least 24 hours notice when he was going to cancel a date planned a month earlier – to go to a party instead, and asking another on Monday to confirm that we had plans for the weekend by Thursday and then he drops out of sight until Sunday at 10:02PM – I’m such a bitch, right?!)

Now I’m totally for big, romantic, pouffy soulmatey love on TV, in movies, hell even a good song. But in real life? I don’t think so. I’m not looking for some huge romantic hero to come sweep me off my feet and be The One because honestly, I think that stuff only exists in TV, movies and songs. What I really want is a decent, honest guy who will do the right thing – even if the right thing feels bad to them (like breaking up with me to my face) or makes them the bad guy for awhile (like returning an email with a “this isn’t going to work out.”)

Source

But this cut and run because you’re not man enough to do the right thing? No one needs that shit. I don’t care if you’re a mama’s boy, or some ex broke your heart, or you’re just a misogynist. Be a man. Show up for the situations that you created and take responsibility for your actions and treat people respectfully and do the decent thing. I mean, is this what it’s come down to? The lowest common denominator?? Do the decent thing and return the text, show up when you say you will?? REALLY GUYS??

Source

And the stupidest part of the whole thing is that I’m probably one of the easier girls these guys will ever deal with! I’m not real demanding of time and attentions because in all honesty, I have a busy life chasing Boy Bands, obsessing on Brandon Flowers, adoring TVBoyfriends and lusting on Vampire Hotties – so I’m not going to be a real hassling type of girl all up in your face all the time because I don’t want MY time infringed on either. I’m cute, funny, dress well, smell nice and bake real good (what, you don’t like cheesecake?)

Source