she liked Imaginary Men best of all


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Tonight we’re gonna party like we’re actually 39

I pride myself on looking younger than my age. I attribute it to two things: not acting my actual age and very good genes. One of my favorite things at nearly 42 is to still get carded. When the Carder asks me as the Cardee, “Really?” I often want to respond, “If I were going to lie about my age why would I pick this one?!”

But despite my youthful appearance and embracing of my Inner 14 YO, I do feel my age in many ways. One of those ways is that while I love to go dancing I kind of hate all the places one goes to dance. I was never really a club person but at least 10 or 20 years ago I felt like it was a place I could tolerate for a few hours of good tunes and overpriced drinks and sometimes – a disco lit dance floor like the one in Saturday Night Fever! (this absolutely existed in Boston in the late-90’s!)

However I am long past the period when going to a bar or club to dance holds any interest for me. So where does one go to dance? Maybe at a wedding? Sure but you can’t always count on a quality playlist. How about a friend’s party? Why not! But sadly the number of friends I know who have fun dance parties is at about one. To that end I find myself having a One Woman Dance Party in my living room far more often than I probably should admit (actually it’s a Two Woman Dance Party because Kelly Clarkson is often there!)

Jen, my one girlfriend who can be depended on to throw a good dance party has a great idea – one that she shares with my friend and fellow blogger Sarah and they’ve both described basically the same place to me in separate conversations: a dance club for people over 35 years old! Here’s the deal:

  • Open 4-9PM – perfect for stopping at on your way home from work or take a spin around the floor while your kid is at soccer practice and still be home by a reasonable bed time!
  • Music is not too loud – by this point we’ve all been to a lot of concerts, clubs in our 20’s and various other places where screaming was the only mode of communication. Fuck that noise (literally!) The music is at a pleasing level that allows for gettin’ down AND hearing your friend bitch about their a-hole of a boss, clueless husband or the annoying Overachiever Mom at their kid’s school
  • Music is from the 80’s-’90’s – Sure you may be into the current stuff on the radio (if you enjoy a constant diet of Katy Perry and more Katy Perry) but when you want to dance you want to hear the songs you know, the stuff you partied to in college or with your friends at high school sleepovers. You want the music you love and the warm fuzzy nostalgia they provide
  • There’s a lot of comfy seating – booths, easy chairs, couches – and there’s no shame in taking frequent dance breaks to just sit around on them and enjoy your refreshing beverage from…
  • A decent bar – we’re grown-ups! We like a nice wine and decent beer and we don’t want to binge drink we just want a nice Malbec to smooth out the edges of our day while we dance to Duran Duran! (Or tea – you know whatever floats your boat. There’s no judgement here :-))
  • It’s not a pick-up scene – we’re either married, with a significant other, over with dating altogether or happy on our own. If you’re looking to get lucky go look somewhere else – like the 20-something bars. No one wants to do THAT again
  • The bathrooms are nice and don’t make you want to disinfect every single thing (including yourself) that was inside them
  • Dress code is casual – back in the day going out meant getting dolled up in uncomfortable shoes and sexy dresses to have a good time with your girlfriends and maybe snag looks (or more) from some cute boys. Now? Just be comfortable. Is it cool to dance around in your Lands End Slip-ons? Absolutely not. Does it feel good and much better for your back? ABSOLUTELY

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Look, nothing about this is sexy or cool but WHO CARES??! One of the best things about getting older is that there are so many things you simply stop giving a fuck about. It’s liberating and makes you review allllll the crap you wasted energy worrying about in your youth and think, “I wish I could go back in time and punch younger me in the face.” But you can’t so instead get on your yoga pants, grab your girlfriends, order a glass of wine and get your dance on with Prince!


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Sad, sad, SADNESS

I’m sad today – just like so many millions of people around the world are. My gut reaction to hearing about Robin Williams death on Monday took me by surprise. When I told my boyfriend only minutes after finding out, I burst into unexpected tears. I did not know the man but I felt a sharp and painful loss instantly as if I had just lost a family friend.

That his death was not an accident or a sudden illness made it that much harder to comprehend. How can a person who spent nearly his entire life making people happy struggle so hard to find happiness within himself? I don’t make any claims on knowing or understanding depression or addiction like he suffered from. I can’t envision a feeling so dark and overwhelming that it obliterates any reason and makes you choose the worst possible option on the table. But it makes me so very sad that someone who made us all so very happy felt exactly that hopeless on Monday morning.

I was born in the 70’s and am a child of the 80’s. Mork from Ork made me chortle and giggle from 6-10 years old. So really – can you blame me for feeling like I lost an old friend? I literally grew up with Robin Williams. Just like the 80’s born children of the 90’s embrace him as Mrs. Doubtfire and the Genie in Aladdin. He’s part of so many childhoods – so many teenhoods spent with tears running down our faces as we laughed ourselves sick at his stand-up (even if some of the sex and drugs jokes went over our heads.) He was brilliant and insane and when he showed up on a talk show or entered the scene in one of his (comedy) movies, you’d always whisper an “Oh no!” not of negativity but of breathless anticipation of what sort of lunacy was about to be unleashed from his marvelous brain and agile body.

While I can’t quote him off the top of my head, I can say with certainty that some of the first times in my life I ever laughed myself into a tear-faced, possible wet-pantsed, air-gasping, stomach-aching, body-shuddering laughter was because of Robin Williams. We have all lost so much. He has lost his battle with such darkness in his soul, his family has lost a father and husband, his friends – his fans – his charities – the film industry – we all lost this week. We lost BIG. 

To people who think, “Why would anyone get upset about the death of a celebrity they didn’t even know?” I point you to Twitter where people are standing on their desks in an #OhCaptainMyCaptain salute, or to my beautiful friend Sarah’s ferocious rant to depression, or Chris Gethard’s essay on his own encounter with Williams, or to Boston where locals are scrawling a memorial on his Good Will Hunting bench. We didn’t have to know Robin Williams personally to mourn his terrible death when we grew up with him, he made us laugh, he cheered us up, he wore his heart on his sleeve for us all to see.

Like I said – I’m taken aback by my own grief at this senseless, stupid loss. I am so heartsick for a man who gave us so much joy and couldn’t find it in his own heart for himself. And I’m pissed that we will never again get to look forward to whatever new, ridiculous, hilarious Robin Williams Moments we might have gotten.

Rest in peace.


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Summer Playlist

As soon as summer hits the heat rises, the days lengthen and a regular craving for iced tea becomes a reality – I put on my Summer Playlist. My musical heart belongs to 80’s English Pop Bands but before the Second British Invasion swept me up in it’s moody, synthy, Union Jack notes I was just a young girl in early 80’s America where the radio was ruled by rock n’ roll music by lots of single-word-named-bands and a hot bitch called Pat.

I’m not exactly sure how my connection of summer to these types of arena-rocking-cheesy-but-undeniably catchy tunes were forged – or if any of these songs were even summertime hits in my late single-digit/early double-digit years. But something about them makes me feel like a little kid riding in the car with my mom on the way to the pool, or stopping to get an ice cream after a hot afternoon running errands.

Africa – Toto (1982): Back before pretty boys with eye liner and gelled hair, there were guys in bands who looked like your auto mechanic. Toto is that band.

Lovin’ Touchin’ Squeezin’ – Journey (1979?! Let’s call it 1980 🙂 ): Yes we all love Don’t Stop Believin’ but for my money this is the one I fantasize about tearing UP on the karaoke floor.

Too Much Time on My Hands – Styx (1981): Now you see why we needed well-tailored pop stars by the mid-80’s, I give you a guy in an aquamarine jumpsuit and one in a white (leather??) studded jumpsuit WITH shoulder pads.

You Make My Dreams Come True – Hall and Oates (1981): Without Hall and Oates there would be no 80’s. Period.

You Got Lucky – Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers (1982): Why do I feel like the far off futuristic world in this video is probably the year we’re in NOW?

Sharp Dressed Man – ZZ Top (1983): Yes every girl is crazy ’bout a Sharp Dressed Man!

Jessie’s Girl – Rick Springfield (1981): We’ve already established that I was a Rick Springfield Fangirl back in the day. What you may not know is that in 1981 federal agents actually came to the homes of girls aged 8-19 to legally confirm that you were in fact a Rick Springfield Fangirl. It was a law. Or something.

Promises in the Dark – Pat Benatar (1981): It was a Man’s World in early 80’s American Rock except for one tough, classically trained, bad ass goddess who you did not want to piss off. And we can all agree she rocked a jumpsuit far better than any of those dudes in Styx.

It’s hot out there so roll down the windows, crank up the tunes and rock it like it’s Morning in America!


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A girl walks into a bar…

Today I discovered the feature on Facebook that lets you look at an archive of your old posts and status updates. I randomly selected April 2012 and scanned through to see that I sure posted a lot about food, Downton Abbey and Ewan McGregor!

I also found a status I posted on a day I clearly remember for a very important reason:

I have been so useless today. I’m supposed to go out now even though I’d rather go to bed, I’m so exhausted by my uselessness ;-p

That Saturday is still very vivid in my mind: I wasted a lot of time doing nothing at my apartment. Then I went grocery shopping and in the parking lot I ordered out and picked up my dinner on my way home (I was too lazy to cook what I just bought!) then I got comfy on my couch eating take-out and catching up on my DVR. I was due to go see my friend’s band at 10PM and that’s probably near when I posted this.

I really did NOT want to go but I was a single girl with no good excuse to bail on seeing friends on a Saturday night. The gig was about 5 minutes from my house and I could be home in two hours tops.

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And that’s what happened – despite being cranky and texting on my phone a cute guy bravely walked up to me to say hi and introduced himself and like that – my life changed forever. I would have missed out on meeting The World’s Best Boyfriend and nearly a year’s worth of discovering what it really means to meet that one person who is your perfect fit because I thought getting out of comfy pants and away from Revenge was too much effort.

Earlier that same month I posted a quote from The World’s Ultimate TV Boyfriend, Mr. Pacey Witter:

You want to know something Miss Josephine Potter? I think the world just may surprise you yet. I mean you fall in love, and it doesn’t work out, you think it will never happen, but it does, believe me it does, in the strangest of places.

So what’s my lesson here? 1. Always Listen to Pacey!! and 2. Get off your ass and make things happen. Sweet, handsome, loving, supportive-of-your-Boy-Band-obsession-bring-you-cookies-and-make-you-dinner-guys don’t just knock on your door and ask if you’re available!! You have to do the work and put in the time and sometimes whether it’s a project, job, goal or a boy – really lovely things happen.

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I love you and I like you

Did you watch Leslie and Ben “Tie the Knope” on Parks and Rec last week? WHY NOT??! IS YOUR HEART MADE OF STONE????

Click here to watch and sniffle. Go ahead. I’ll wait.

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I mean – you can’t beat a reception with WAFFLES!!

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What hit me the most is Leslie’s vow, “I love you and I like you” which is so sweet and so necessary in a good relationship. You have to like the person you love, want to be friends with them even if you’re not anything more romantic. I totally believe this and it’s how I feel about The World’s Best Boyfriend, so I’ve taken to telling him, “I like you and I love you.” Thanks Leslie!

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Meet my epitaph

Everyone thinks about their mortality and I am no exception. No one likes considering it but certainly we wonder what our funeral might be like, who may come, what they would say and what we’d want on our headstone to mark how we’d like to be remembered for eternity.

This week thanks to my favorite Dowager Countess I found my epitaph:

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And it really WOULD!!

P.S. Please bury me in that hat. Thank you.

 

 


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Magic Mike: A Girl’s Guide

This movie is made for women. Period. Ok and gay guys. But it is not made for straight guys at all and YET what do we see the first five minutes of the movie? BOOBS! On behalf of the straight female population I ask Mr. Steven Soderbergh and all the obviously male movie execs behind Magic Mike:

WHAT IN THE FUCK??

Of course some boyfriends and husbands were gonna get dragged to see “the male stripper movie” and you don’t want them to be bored and embarrassed so sure, throw in some boobs to hook them in right away. But you know what? I go see lots of movies aimed at male audiences and never once see a shirtless guy thrown in to appease the female audience members. Or they are shirtless but for 5 damn seconds!! Or even worse – we are promised shirtlessness in the trailers and then DENIED for 2 hours of our lives we can’t have back!!

And don’t tell me that it needs to immediately be established that Magic Mike is a straight dude into threesomes with chicks. We know Mike is totally hetero because:

  1. He knows to wear proper work boots to a construction site
  2. He drives a big ass pick-up truck that screams “I put my penis in girls”
  3. The ease with which Mike and all the other Cock Rocking Kings of Tampa stand around half-naked with each other gossiping backstage demonstrates how perfectly fine they are with their manliness

OK rant over because it is hard to stay annoyed when the “Channing Tatum Charm School” is in session. Damn is that guy charming! He looks like one of those underwear models you’d see in old catalogs (probably not entirely SFW) and his moves are pretty bad ass.

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But the entire movie is practically stolen by Matthew McConaughey who for my money was born to play sleazy strip club owner Dallas. I mean – he should get an Oscar just for his no-holds-barred striptease (definitely not SFW!) near the end of the movie which is completely, fearlessly ridiculous. You go with your drawling, black leather chaps wearing, better-body-at-42-than-guys-half-your-age self boy!!

I appreciated that the male dancers seem to know that us ladies like a little storytelling with our bump and grind. So men are satisfied with a woman dressed like a schoolgirl writhing on a pole. BORING! The stripper boys understand we need a little plot with our objectifying of their abs and asses. Give us some Tarzan saving Jane or a young cowpoke out on the range for the first time (speaking of that cowpoke, it’s English pretty boy Alex Pettyfer):

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Personally I was a big fan of “The Army Dance” because the entire military drill + sexy white tank tops + Boy Band-esque ripping off of tank tops = Hot Sexy Fun!

I mean, they are literally using their penises as weapons on a room full of women who have paid to objectify them! How can you not love that?!?

In the parking lot after the movie my girlfriend and I ran into a male friend who was there to see Ted. Yup. That says it all right there about the difference between us girls and them boys!