she liked Imaginary Men best of all


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Say, that’s swell!

I know I mentioned earlier in the summer that I Am Your Grandma but really I’ve had a little bit o’ granny in me for a long time. When I was a teenager I got into old movies and fell in love with Fred and Ginger movies. You know the ones – the romance, the dancing, the glamorous sets and stunning evening wear:

There was a famous quote that he gave her class and she gave him sex appeal (there’s an even better quote from Ann Richards: “…Ginger Rogers did everything that Fred Astaire did. She just did it backwards and in high heels!”) and these movies were made to lift spirits during the Depression. But they are timeless in that they lift spirits over 70 years later. Astaire and Rogers films never fail to put a smile on my face – there’s predictable plots (lots of mistaken identity and boy-meets-girl-girl-hates-boy scenarios) and of course a bit of sexism but they are still essentially escapist fantasies.

In these films women were dames and men tried not to be heels. People got sore at one another and “gosh!” was the harshest exclamation. Isn’t there something so refreshing about that sort of simplicity? Before movies became dark and complicated, filled with explosives, sex and violence – there were people who danced their cares away and expressed their feelings to a delightful melody:

“Long as I can be with you, it’s a lovely day” HOW PERFECT IS THAT??

Fred was always seducing with dance, Ginger was always reluctantly falling for him and they were surrounded by a cast of characters who either conspired with them, or against them, were romantic rivals or bumbling idiots (I need to take a moment to rant about Randolph Scott in Follow the Fleet because this guy was a dick, OK? Lantern-Jawed-All-American “Bilge” – yes – BILGE! first ignores Ginger’s sister Connie when she wears glasses and isn’t a looker. Then she gets all dolled up and suddenly he’s in love! But then he ships out after promising to return to her aaaaand romances other women when he’s away. Meanwhile Connie refurbishes her father’s boat so when Bilge returns as a Captain he can sail it after they’re married. HOWEVER stupid Bilge has other non-Connie related romantic interests UNTIL he hears about the boat and then he’s back calling her “baby” again and generally making me shake my fists at the screen. Annoying Boy Shit existed always.)

But enough about THAT. What matters is that Fred was never less than impeccably tailored and Ginger had dresses that flowed like they were made of magic threads and everybody went to nightclubs with little lamps on the tables and there was always a happy ending and I’m so glad this thing of beauty exists in the world:

And just once in my life I WISH I could leave a room like this!

(If you’d like any recommendations from Grandma – I suggest The Gay Divorcee or Top Hat which these clips are from and are Astaire and Rogers films at the very pinnacle of what made them perfect.)

 


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Oh my god I’m back again!

Sooooo – long time, no blog yet apparently people are still coming here to read old posts which is pretty cool considering I haven’t posted anything in almost 15 months!

When I left you I was swooning about The World’s Best Boyfriend who, I’m happy to report is still fulfilling that role. I still love me some Imaginary Men but of course spending time with a Real Guy does take away from my sitting-up-all-night-blogging-time (so does a new wake-up call of 6AM – ACK!)

What else? Oh I just, you know – bought a house. Yes after several years of commitment phobia I went and got a relationship AND a mortgage within a year of each other. You would think I am a GROWN-UP or something!

Don't you love my new house?? (this is not my new house)

Don’t you love my new house?? (this is not my new house)

So plenty of energy that used to be dedicated to fantasizing about Pacey’s Pea Coats or Dreamy Vampire Brothers has been funneled into really sexy thoughts like bathroom remodels, caulking tools and home heating conversions (I know, I know – my life is VERY VERY COOL. Control yourself.)

And I guess some of my interests have changed and my need to write about them obsessively waned. I think that’s normal and I certainly still love a lot of things that are on this site (I’m looking at you Dowager Countess) and have discovered new interests because that’s what life is about – you grow and change and some things make the cut and some don’t.

I do have a confession to make and that is that I may now be less your Fun Sassy Girlfriend and more your Fun Sassy Grandma. The evidence: this winter I read two biographies of Frank Sinatra (speaking of obsessions – HOW could we not see Ronan Farrow is CLEARLY his kid?!) I got hooked on listening to the Cole Porter station on Pandora and when I saw The Fault in our Stars instead of getting all swoony for teen dream boat Augustus I kept thinking, “can we spend more time with Hazel’s parents? Because they seem really fun and awesome.” I’d like to think it was just residual feelings for Sam Trammell now that I’ve missed the last few seasons of True Blood – but I think it’s because I’m Your Grandma and Laura Dern seems really fun to hang out with (even when she’s pretending her daughter is dying of cancer so bravo for that specialized talent!)

But! I quoted the Backstreet Boys up above AND just saw them in concert (and got to keep my  Concert Bitch in check) and because Boy Bands are Never Not Awesome. I have some fun news coming up in the next week so I hope you’ll welcome me back into the big wide blogging world and that I remember how to link shit 🙂

 


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Working Class Foo Fighter

Rick Springfield + Dave Grohl = AWESOMENESS!!!

I never would have guessed Rick’s catchy songs (that I’ve been singing along with since I was 9!!!) run through the Dave/Foo Fighters machine of Magnificent Loudness would work so f’ing well – but damned if it does!:


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Magic Mike: A Girl’s Guide

This movie is made for women. Period. Ok and gay guys. But it is not made for straight guys at all and YET what do we see the first five minutes of the movie? BOOBS! On behalf of the straight female population I ask Mr. Steven Soderbergh and all the obviously male movie execs behind Magic Mike:

WHAT IN THE FUCK??

Of course some boyfriends and husbands were gonna get dragged to see “the male stripper movie” and you don’t want them to be bored and embarrassed so sure, throw in some boobs to hook them in right away. But you know what? I go see lots of movies aimed at male audiences and never once see a shirtless guy thrown in to appease the female audience members. Or they are shirtless but for 5 damn seconds!! Or even worse – we are promised shirtlessness in the trailers and then DENIED for 2 hours of our lives we can’t have back!!

And don’t tell me that it needs to immediately be established that Magic Mike is a straight dude into threesomes with chicks. We know Mike is totally hetero because:

  1. He knows to wear proper work boots to a construction site
  2. He drives a big ass pick-up truck that screams “I put my penis in girls”
  3. The ease with which Mike and all the other Cock Rocking Kings of Tampa stand around half-naked with each other gossiping backstage demonstrates how perfectly fine they are with their manliness

OK rant over because it is hard to stay annoyed when the “Channing Tatum Charm School” is in session. Damn is that guy charming! He looks like one of those underwear models you’d see in old catalogs (probably not entirely SFW) and his moves are pretty bad ass.

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But the entire movie is practically stolen by Matthew McConaughey who for my money was born to play sleazy strip club owner Dallas. I mean – he should get an Oscar just for his no-holds-barred striptease (definitely not SFW!) near the end of the movie which is completely, fearlessly ridiculous. You go with your drawling, black leather chaps wearing, better-body-at-42-than-guys-half-your-age self boy!!

I appreciated that the male dancers seem to know that us ladies like a little storytelling with our bump and grind. So men are satisfied with a woman dressed like a schoolgirl writhing on a pole. BORING! The stripper boys understand we need a little plot with our objectifying of their abs and asses. Give us some Tarzan saving Jane or a young cowpoke out on the range for the first time (speaking of that cowpoke, it’s English pretty boy Alex Pettyfer):

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Personally I was a big fan of “The Army Dance” because the entire military drill + sexy white tank tops + Boy Band-esque ripping off of tank tops = Hot Sexy Fun!

I mean, they are literally using their penises as weapons on a room full of women who have paid to objectify them! How can you not love that?!?

In the parking lot after the movie my girlfriend and I ran into a male friend who was there to see Ted. Yup. That says it all right there about the difference between us girls and them boys!


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He’s real and he’s spectacular!

So the last few years I’ve had all this trouble with Stupid Real Life Boys. And of course I have a lot of Imaginary Boyfriends. But something funny happened recently – I got myself a Real Live Not At All Douchey and in Fact Totally Amazing Real Life Boyfriend!! I KNOW!! RIGHT?!??

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Just how amazing is he? Well he walked into my 16 Year Old Girl Bedroom home office which contains (among other things): an enormous Brandon Flowers poster, Backstreet Boys nesting dolls, Vampire Diaries paraphenalia, and a Wall of Men 3.0 – and instead of turning on his heels and running he exclaimed with utter enthusiasm:

This is awesome!

Did you hear that? It was my heart having joyful palpitations 😉

And he doesn’t bat an eye at my crazy shenanigans of chasing bands and obsessing on TV shows! He even offered to see Magic Mike with me! AND he said with absolutely no prompting whatsoever – that if a Backstreet Boys museum existed “I would go with you.” Did you get that part? How I didn’t even ask that?!? (and for the record – why doesn’t that exist goddamnit?!? I already have a date for it!)

I feel like anytime I talk about him I turn into a total gushing girlie. He’s a bit of a fanboy himself about movies and directors – breathlessly calling the night he got to meet one of his directing idols, “the best night of my life” which I took as one of the signs we were on the same wavelength about the stuff we love. He’s so great and he’s CUTE! Let me just say that his celebrity doppelganger is someone we like to call Jake Gyllenhaal:

Laugh it up Jake – you’ve been replaced!

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A friend of mine said, “you’ve obsessed so much on imaginary men that it’s almost like you dreamed him up!” And if it weren’t for the fact that she and other people have also seen/heard/observed that he is indeed a real guy and not one in my head – it makes this exchange from last week all the sweeter:

Setting: Save a Prayer by Duran Duran is on TV

Me: That’s my husband John Taylor

Him: Hi John Taylor!

Me: I mean, you don’t have to worry because I’ve been waiting for him to marry me since I was 13 – but if he WERE to show up – I would have to leave you

Him: OK. You should tweet him and tell him he’s your husband

Me: DON’T THINK I HAVEN’T TRIED!!!!

Even better – one found me that thinks I’m perfect the way I am – in all my Crazy Fangirl Glory and really, what more can one ask for?


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Summer of Shirtless Men

Channing Tatum

Yes I DID see Magic Mike and yes I WILL be posting about it shortly!

Ryan Lochte

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Mmmm…Olympic Swimmers and Divers and gymnasts OH MY!

Vampire Eric

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I’m so behind on True Blood but I appreciated the season premiere featuring lotsa nearly naked Jason Stackhouse.

Italian Football Team

Thanks to my English girl Lisa who sported me these pics of sexy, shiny Italian hotties!

Isn’t objectifying men with the female gaze fun?!


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“Magic Mike” – oh you know I’m going!

I have no interest in actual male strippers, and I didn’t even care too much about Channing Tatum until I was charmed by him in 21 Jump Street – but if you think I’m not going to see a movie that is over an hour of Hot Shirtless Pretty Boys – then obviously we’ve never met: Hi, I’m Amy and I like Hot Shirtless Pretty Boys 😉

And OH YES, there will be a “A Girl’s Review” of this one!