she liked Imaginary Men best of all

Dumb Boys and Dozy Tarts

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All this World Cup activity has reminded me of a show I was obsessed with a few summers ago called Footballers’ Wives. It was a British soap about the sexy, scandalous lives of footballers of the Earls Park “Sparks” Club but mostly the antics their Wives And Girlfriends (known commonly as WAGS).

I guess the WAGS culture around football in Europe and particularly England is much more fervent than any of our stateside sports. The wives and girlfriends are celebrities in their own right, whereas other than Elin Nordegren – who the hell knows who any of our athletes are married to?

This show was so ridiculously over-the-top and hilarious. For one thing it had a character named Chardonnay! And her wedding to Earls Park star Kyle Pascoe was a Snow White themed affair involving children dressed as the seven dwarves!

Another wedding between dopey social climbing Shannon and sweet Harley ended in their romantic balloon ride crash landing in a wild animal park! Of course the press presumes them dead 🙂

There’s even a Fight Club!

In one of my favorite insane storylines, UberBitch Tanya Turner engineers a baby switch which involves putting fake tanner on an infant to make it appear that he’s the son of her arch nemesis Amber, a Bollywood star. Did I mention another baby gets smothered by a little DOG and there’s a baby who sleeps in an alarmed crib built to look like a Faberge Egg??

I’M NOT MAKING ANY OF THIS UP!!

Oh, and once a rape victim held her suspected rapist hostage on a boat with a harpoon.

And this woman? She puts Amanda Woodward to shame.

She does coke, has threesomes, blackmails pervy nurses, tries to screw her old man husband to death, switches babies and fake tans them, and all without a hair or nail out of place. Bow down to Tanya Turner bitches!

I could not stop watching this series and I sucked my friend Janis into watching it as well. This was before Netflix was streaming anything so we would wait for those DVD’s to arrive like crackheads looking for a fix. It wasn’t even a guilty pleasure – it was just good, old fashioned insane soap opera pleasure. Plus bad boy Team Captain Jason Turner introduced me to the awesome phrase “Dozy Tart” which is probably totally offensive to my British girlfriends but always makes me giggle (sorry ladies!)

It is a little dangerous that you can watch episodes online at this site (where I snagged these pics) because I can totally see myself watching this trashtastic show again.

Author: Amy H. Johnson

Amy H. Johnson is the author of The Fangirl Files a memoir about Boy Bands, TV Boyfriends and imaginary betrothals to 80s English pop stars. She prefers to be referred to as a "Cute Famous Boy Aficionado".

6 thoughts on “Dumb Boys and Dozy Tarts

  1. Dozy Tarts = Great band name!

  2. All this pretty much puts anything the Real Housewives on Bravo do to shame! And they’re real people lol

    I remember reading how obsessed Entertainment Weekly was with this show and British TV is so good so it doesn’t surprise me that it’s such a guilty pleasure!

    Gonna reconsider changing my name to Pinot Noir.

  3. she switches babies and fake-tans them..?….?….

    I’m pretty sure I NEED to watch this show.

    • Yes. Yes she does. I think you ladies need to watch this show and when you do, I will re-watch so I can re-live the awesomeness!

  4. Sounds like my kinda show! Do I even dare to get sucked in? Yes! Nothing like the summer to get addicted to new shows =]

    • I will say, they did a spin-off which sucked, and then the seasons that came after it were pretty bad. And not in a so-bad-its-good way either. But the first 3 seasons – I think – are pretty f’ing awesome. Lemme know if you watch!

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