she liked Imaginary Men best of all

He’s a little bit rock ‘n’ roll

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I stopped watching Dancing with the Stars a few seasons ago because it became so repetitive. The judges say the same things, contestants with little talent but huge fanbases go way too far, and there’s always the same line-up: an athlete, a senior citizen, a former boybander.

I woke from a nap last night to see the finale. A friend who still watches had been complaining about Donny Osmond and how he was going to win even though he didn’t deserve it. Spoiler alert: he won. As I said, I haven’t seen any of his dances but I know this much: America LOVES the Osmonds.

I know I love me some Donny and Marie. Why? Their super-cheesy-so-bad-its-good-7o’s variety show. I wanted to be Marie Osmond growing up (then I wanted to be Sandy from Grease, Olivia Newton-John style of course!) I adored their show as a wee little girl. I got some eps on Netflix recently and it was even more hilariously craptastic than I remembered.

Look at these guests! Disco dancing! Dorky banter! Feathered hair! Love it!!:

But more than the show, I loved my Donny and Marie DOLLS!!!:

I am still bitter about these dolls. My Marie was perfect and my friend’s had a broken thumb. One day she came over to play and brought her Osmonds. When she left I had a Marie with a broken thumb! Conveniently that friend was moving away the next day! To this day I think she planned it that way. Bitch.

My Donny doll was a busy fellow. I had no Ken so Donny dated all my Barbies. I also had no other clothes for him so he always took them out dressed in this purple/silver/satin jumpsuit ensemble. Oh Donny.

Last year a friend in NYC took me to a restaurant that was retro-kitschy-music-themed with dolls of vintage musical act in dioramas. They sat us next to the Donny and Marie Dolls and I kid you not, my inner 7 year old freaked the fuck out.

When I go to Vegas next year I totally want to see their show at the Flamingo. I saw Marie in a DWTS tour two years ago and she truly is a born performer, she made the rest of the cast look like amateurs. She is a little bit country you know!

Photo from “mocking the 70’s a catalog page at a time”

Author: Amy H. Johnson

Amy H. Johnson is the author of The Fangirl Files a memoir about Boy Bands, TV Boyfriends and imaginary betrothals to 80s English pop stars. She prefers to be referred to as a "Cute Famous Boy Aficionado".

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